Back from the Undead

It's probably not the best idea for me to have a pseudo because I forget all about it and then it takes me forever to figure out my sign-on information.

A lot has happened since the last update.  We have jobs and money and we are not happy.  Ok, my husband might be happy but I am not.  For starters, 4 months after we moved to Arizona, our daughter and her family moved back to Wisconsin.  Like WTF was that all about.  And it sucks.  Then just last month our son and his family moved back to Wisconsin.  I'm not as close to them but I am still like WTF.

I am on job #2 here in Arizona.  The first one was a part-time job with full time hours and no benefits.  Then they up and reorganized so I left.  Now job #2 is full time with pretty good benefits but I hate it.  I've been there a month and am so bored.  They say it will get better as I get more work but I am ready for more work so let's get with it!!!

So the biggest update of all is......... are you ready?  We are moving back to Wisconsin.  Yep.  You heard read right, we are moving.  Now, we did the move out here all crazy so we are trying not to do that on the way back.  We have to save up some money.  Being jobless left us in a less than desirable position financially and we are still recovering.  But, we want to get back so our youngest can finish out high school with her friends.  The plan is to save up enough money to move as well as the first months rent and deposit before we start looking for jobs.  At that point we will keep saving so that we can have a cushion in case we don't both find jobs right away.  Dear husband can get a job plowing snow very easily (he's great at it) and I can have my own business so we have other options but I want like six jobs to that we can get back on track.

Oh our dear youngest daughter,  she's doing pretty good.  She can't wait to move back and is more anxious than me.  In case you were wondering, she got the thong underwear.  Luckily there have not been any opportunities for her to show them to any boys.  She sure is hoping for that first boyfriend though.  I know I am biased but she is super pretty so I'm sure she won't have to wait too much longer. Her issue is she needs some anger management.  I'm only half kidding.  I think the boys are afraid of her because she is always threatening to break their kneecaps.

This is the stray we found and kept.  He was much smaller when we found him, only about 6-8 weeks old.  I had to put a picture in the blog to liven it up so I chose this beautiful specimen.  Oh yea, this reminds me, one huge issue we have is finding a house to rent when we move that will accept 5 pets.  Not too many landlords want to rent out to that many pets.  Ugh!!! 

I think my husband is fattening

Yesterday wasn’t a total bust. I was depressed until I did my leg exercises.  Exercising usually seems to pull me out of it at least for a little while.  But yesterday I actually was good after that.

The problem is I think my husband is fattening.  I’ve told him so too.  For some reason when he is around I want to do things I tell myself I am not going to do.  For instance he was traveling for a week last fall.  That entire week I ate perfectly.  I didn’t even want to eat junk or drink.  I could talk to him on the phone and it was still all good in the eating department.  As soon as he came home that all changed.  Part of that I know is that he is HUGE snacker so all the junk was back in the house.  But I actually can feel something change in me and I am more susceptible to overeating. We have a really good relationship.  The stress of no jobs and no money takes its toll sometimes but this is an all the time thing.   

So what do I do?  Somehow I am associating my husband, comfort and food together.  I guess I need to figure out a way to change that. 

But back to yesterday.  The good mood started when I did my leg exercises.  Later I also did some cardio dancing for 25 minutes.  I must have kept myself busy and up on my feet a good part of the day because my legs were killing me by the end of it.  But in spite of the sore legs we still got in our 2 mile walk.  So all in all it was a good day for calorie burning.  Dear husband went to the store and bought some DiSaronno Amaretto; my favorite.  He also brought with that some beef jerkey.  Prior to this I was going to end my day with a calorie deficit of about 1100-1200.  Instead I probably broke even because I had some beef jerkey, lucky charms and about 3-4 ounces of Amaretto.  I haven’t worked the numbers but I do know it doesn’t fit in with my goal to lose 2 pounds a week. 

Emotional Eating

I’m having a tough day today.  Got up early to walk the dogs to beat the heat (@AlexandraZ1).  It was a nice walk but I just felt sorta blah.  I’m bored and depressed.  I feel like my life is a waste and I am doing nothing that contributes to this world.  I don’t recommend being unemployed and broke.  Being unemployed is ok for a little while as long as one is not broke.  I’m so over it.

I decided that I am going to get this extra weight off once and for all and that is not helping.  That means no emotional eating for me and I really need it today. I guess I have to find another way to cope.  That’s what it’s all about anyhow when making changes.  I will have to replace the bad habits with good ones.  So I guess my feelings of doom and despair are really helping me deal with changing the bad habit of emotional eating.  Nice. Because I want to get this weight off I weighed myself this morning.  I actually have 22.6 pounds to lose instead of 20.  I’m going to eat 1500 calories a day which is 388 less than I need to maintain.  Of course these are all estimates.  That means to lose 2 pounds a week I have to exercise off the additional 612 calories.  I’ll get about 300 from my walks and then I have to figure out what else I will do for the rest.  I have a list of things to choose from ranging from exercise videos to jumping rope.  I even put playing music and juggling on it. I don’t think I will count those as exercise although they do count as activity. 

Something I am going to do besides exercise to break the emotional eating habit is knit or crochet.  I’m not very good at it but it is very calming.  I’m going to make hats and scarves and give them to a charity that distributes them to the homeless. Knot 2b Forgotten  Then I have another charity that I will make squares for and they put them together to make blankets. Share a Square  On one hand I would like to be able to send them a ton of stuff.  But that would mean that the hard times are continuing.  I have a lot of yarn from my life before I was broke so that will keep me going for a while.  I guess I can still make things even when my mood changes.  I’ll just have to find another bad habit to break!!

Later

Underwear

Today I cleaned up all the paperwork in my closet.  I’ve never had a walk in closet until we moved here and it turned into a huge junk drawer.  Not anymore. Everything is filed and mostly organized.  Being filed is the important part.  This makes me feel good.  Like there is hope for us.  Things have to change.  I really do think we are about as down as we can get.  So when you are at the bottom the only way from there is up. 

I had an interesting talk with my teen daughter today about underwear.  Seems all the young girls wear thong underwear and she wants to as well.  Not only that, she wants to wear matching panties and bras.  Her words “you can’t be all matchy, matchy with your clothes and then you go to put your pajamas on and you have flowers and fruits, or hearts and dots.”  I’m thinking what does it matter, no one is going to see them which I proceed to tell her.  Then she says what about gym.  I’m like “Jim, who is Jim and why would you be showing him your bra and panties?”  She laughed.  So then I told her that I would have to talk to her dad about it first.  She didn’t think that was a good idea.  And honestly, my husband would not like to hear about it either so I guess I’ll take care of this one on my own.  She does bring a good point to her argument.  They are usually cheaper than other underwear.  At Wal-mart you can get 5 for $5.  That’s a deal.  But I am sure I could put together some strings even cheaper than that.  I’ll have to run that past her. 

Later!

Starting Fresh - I think!

We were supposed to be up before six this morning to walk the dogs and beat the heat. It’s after seven.  Not that we can’t go now but the dogs don’t do well in the heat.  And, I worry about cancer.  We always say we will take them in the evening if we miss the morning but we rarely ever do.  We like our time alone in the evening when we walk.  And the dogs want to chase the cats and howl at the moon!  Actually they don’t howl at the moon but they do yipe and howl.  So embarrassing! They need some training and we have the time but never do it. 

Normally on Monday, Wednesday and Friday after our walk we go to the gym.  I bet you are wondering how a couple of broke people can afford a gym membership.  Well I do too.  I wonder why we do a lot of things.  The bottom line is it’s hard to go backwards.  No one wants to live with less than what they are used to having.  Not that we have ever had a lot.  We got by.  We were comfortable.  THIS is not comfortable.  I don’t want to go to the gym today.  I’m tired of pretending to have and be something I am not.  I can work out at home.  I kept some of my small equipment from before we moved. I’d sell it but really, it wouldn’t be worth it.  If I am lucky I might get $10 for all of it.  Sure that’s $10 I don’t have now but I just don’t want to do it. Besides if I can get my husband to cancel those gym memberships I’m going to be glad I have it.  He doesn’t know it yet but I am NOT going to the gym today.

My name is not Alexandra.  I didn’t want to use my real name. I admit I am embarrassed at our situation.  The only person that is remotely aware of how bad it is would be my mother-in-law and she doesn’t know everything.  I haven’t even told my mom and I won’t.  My husband and my daughter need names. Any suggestions?  I suppose I could ask them and if no one else makes a suggestion I will.  But for now they are husband and daughter. 

Well, it’s time to start my day.  I have to figure out what that will be.  I’d like to be moving away from this mess and not wallowing in it. 

Later!

The beginning

Milk Duds, why do I like them so much?  I’m not quite sure.  It’s such a cheap candy.  But the chocolate and caramel melt in my mouth so well together.  And it has to be cheap.  I can buy a big box at Wal-mart for $1. On the box it says there are 3.5 servings and 170 calories per serving.  I can eat that box in about 20 minutes if I stretch it out. Just the other night, I ate two boxes.  The Milk Duds were not the start or the end of my binge today.  And lately I have been having a lot of binges.  It’s no wonder I gained back 15 pounds in the last few months.  What good is losing all that weight if I’m just going to gain it right back? 

A second trip to the store was needed and I only had one Oreo while I was waiting for the ice cream to get here. At least the purchase of the wrong ice cream was not the only reason for the return trip, there was a leak in the milk so we had to replace that too.  Good, I didn’t want my complaining about the ice cream to be the sole reason for that trip.  But that second trip is what brought back the Milk Duds. And like I said, the Milk Duds barely lasted 20 minutes in the house.  I didn’t think I would be able to eat my usual ½ of a frozen pizza after the candy but I did.  And then a few Goldfish which came home on the first trip to the grocery store.  I did manage to wait about an hour before I ate some cookie dough ice cream.   And now I am done.  I’m not sick but I am full and I really don’t want anymore.  I bet you’re thinking “duh, you think?” 

That was enough junk to buy right?  Ha, it was enough but it wasn’t all.  We also have another frozen pizza, slice and bake cookies, root beer and three boxes of sugary cereal.  What a waste of the meager resources we have for food.  Idiots!

My family and I are really self destructing.  I don’t want to.  The stress is so high and it’s only so long before it gets to us. We are just days away from having everything pulled out from under us.  I haven’t worked since we moved.  It’s not for lack of trying. I can’t find a job.  Most people are worried that I live too far away and don’t want to hire me because they think I will get sick of the long drive and quit.  It’s not like I have other choices. Don’t they realize that getting a paycheck outweighs the stupid drive?  We have no money coming in.  My husband’s job is commission only and no one is buying at all.  We get help here and there from family but our parents can’t support us forever.  Besides we are married with children and grandchildren, we should be able to support ourselves.  We do get assistance for food but that is it.  If we don’t get some income soon, we will get tossed out of our house.  We are at least 2 months or more behind on all of our bills (except rent, we just mailed June rent on Sunday) and those are in danger of shut off.  We are running out of belongings to sell as well.  Selling our stuff has helped keep things at bay a little bit.

So, this vicious cycle continues.  Eat my way through the stress and depression, gain weight, get more stressed and depressed and complete the cycle all over again. The weeks and months come and go and most of the bills pile up.   

This is my story.  I’ll be honest and forthcoming and my writing will be about our life and how we get through it.  I’d like to think God’s plan for us is to get out of this but the only thing that I am certain about is that we will get through it one way or another.  At home now is myself, my husband, our daughter and the pets.  We don’t want to have to get rid of the pets but that is yet to be determined.

I welcome your thoughts and comments.  I do ask one thing, be responsible with your comments. Anything negative you might want to tell us we have probably already told ourselves. I know everyone has an opinion but I am opening up my heart and our home to write this.  I am writing it for therapy and hopefully one day will be able to look back at how far we have come.  And maybe my story will help someone else. 

Today is not over but you might be glad to know I am done eating. I have 20 pounds to lose.  The 15 I gained plus five more that I wanted to lose before but never did.  That will give me a total weight loss of almost 60 pounds.  So that is one of my goals.  We also have to get money coming in.  Honestly I don’t know how that is going to happen.  We have tried everything legal and moral that we can think of.

Sorry today for the barrage of thoughts.  I just needed to get it all out.  In the days, weeks and months to come I hope to be more organized in my thought. 

Until tomorrow.